Taking God for a ride

It was as if Jesus drove his point home by saying the way God wants things is like the time a bride’s mother reminded bridesmaids about the rehearsal but they refused to come.  She sent people straight round to point out how long she had planned, how hard she had worked and how much she had spent to create the perfect day.  They were offhand.  One said she couldn’t swop her shifts.  Another said she had had a better offer and was about to fly to Ibiza with her boyfriend.  It got nasty: hands were caught in slammed doors, people fell off pavements as they were jostled in the street; someone could have been killed.  The bride’s mother was livid.  She had paint stripper poured on one of their cars, and that wasn’t the least of it.  ‘I’m not going to waste time on worthless so-called friends,’ she said, ‘go and find people who have never dreamt of being asked to be a bridesmaid; try the woman who begs with her child on the High Street, the home for the severely disabled, the women’s refuge’.  Soon the reception was full.  But the brides’ mother spotted a bridesmaid not wearing the dress she had had made; she was stuffing herself and slouching around in jeans.  ‘You must be having a laugh, darling’, she said.  The bridesmaid was stunned.  ‘You can get straight back to the godforsaken place where you belong,’ the bride’s mother said, ‘I’m open to anyone on my daughter’s special day , but don’t try taking me for a ride’.

This is my attempt to interpret the Gospel reading set for last Sunday (Matthew 22.1-14) using almost exactly the same number of words as one of the standard translations.

once more Jesus spoke to them in parables

it was as if Jesus drove his point home

saying

by saying

the kingdom of heaven may be compared to

the way God wants things is like

a king who gave a wedding banquet for his son

a bride’s mother   

he sent his slaves to call those

who had been invited to the wedding banquet

reminded bridesmaids about the rehearsal

but they would not come. 

but they refused to come 

again he sent other slaves, saying,

tell those who have been invited

she sent people straight round

look

to point out

I have prepared my dinner

how long she had planned

my oxen and my fat calves have been slaughtered

how hard she had worked

and everything is ready

and how much she spent

come to the wedding banquet

to create the perfect day 

but they made light of it

they were offhand 

and went away, one to his business

one said she couldn’t swop her shifts  

another to his farm

another said she had had a better offer

and was about to fly to Ibiza with her boyfriend. 

while the rest seized his slaves,

it got nasty: people’s hands were caught

in slammed doors

maltreated them,

people fell off pavements

as they were jostled in the street;

and killed them

someone could have been killed

the king was enraged.  

the bride’s mother was livid

he sent his troops, destroyed those murderers

she had paint stripper poured on one of their cars

and burned their city

and that wasn’t the least of it 

then he said to his slaves,

she said

the wedding is ready,

but those invited were not worthy. 

I’m not going to waste time

on worthless so-called friends

go therefore into the main streets

and invite everyone you find

go and find people

to the wedding banquet

who have never dreamt of being asked to be a bridesmaid

those slaves went out into the streets

try the woman who begs with her child on the High Street

and gathered all whom they found, both good and bad

the home for the severely disabled, the women’s refuge

so the wedding hall was filled with guests

soon the reception was full

but when the king came in to see the guests, he noticed

but the brides’ mother spotted

a man there who was not wearing a wedding robe,

a bridesmaid not wearing the dress she had had made;

she was stuffing herself and slouching around in jeans
[But commentaries alert me to the fact that there is no evidence from this period that the host supplied wedding garments for the guests]  

and he said to him,

she said

how did you get in here without a wedding robe, friend?

you must being having a laugh, darling

[Commentaries alert me to the fact that 'friend' is only ever used in this way in Matthew with a negative edge] 

and he was speechless

the bridesmaid was stunned

then the king said to the attendants,

the bride’s mother said

bind him hand and foot,

you get straight back

and throw him into the outer darkness

where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth

to the godforsaken place where you belong 

for many are called

I’m open to anyone on my daughter’s special day

but few are chosen.

but don’t try taking me for a ride. 

The pictures are from Hawkhurst church which we also visited as part of our ancestor hunting on our way back from Belgium.